How to Experience New York City Like a True Local


Getting Here: Yes, you are absolutely allowed to take a photo of the skyline through your airplane window as you descend into New York. But, to do it like a local, make sure to post it on Instagram with the caption “Back in Hell.”

Where to Stay: There are some incredible deals in Greenpoint. For example, I live in a room with a couple of holes in the floor and a bunch of cracks in the ceiling—but it’s only fourteen hundred dollars a month! And the uniqueness of getting killed when a chunk of your ceiling falls on your head while you’re sleeping is a steal at any price.

s="paywall">Learning the Language: Some phrases you may find helpful include “Hello,” “Where is the bathroom?,” “Can you fucking believe de Blasio?,” “Can you fucking believe Adams?,” and “Giuliani!!! Can you fucking BELIEVE HIM?!”

Getting Around: When I first moved to New York City, I assumed that the subway was horrible and no one rode it. Now I know that the subway is horrible and everyone rides it. For the real N.Y.C. experience, make sure to take the L train at rush hour and complain about it the whole ride. (Note: If you happen to hear anyone suggesting that another city’s subway system is better, angrily reply, “O.K., sure, but does it run 24/7? New York has the best subway system in the world!”)


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